This is a Part II to our series anxious attachment and health. Read Part I here

In order to soothe our nervous system, we need to first recognize when we are in fight-or-flight (anxious attachment activated).

Let's take a look at how to know when your anxious attachment is activated, and what to do when it's activated.

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How to Know When Your Anxious Attachment Is Activated

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When your anxious attachment is triggered, your nervous system goes into overdrive, activating your fight-or-flight response.

Here's how to know you're triggered:

• Overthinking: Replaying conversations or imagining worst-case scenarios.
• Seeking Reassurance: Constantly texting or checking in with someone to feel secure.
• Fear of Abandonment: Worrying you’ll be left or replaced, even without evidence.
• Physical Symptoms: Tight chest, rapid heartbeat, or stomach discomfort.
• Difficulty Focusing: Your mind fixates on the perceived threat, making it hard to concentrate on anything else.

These reactions are your brain’s way of trying to protect you. But they stem from old patterns, not present reality.

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What to Do When You’re Triggered

When you notice your anxious attachment is activated, try these exercises to calm your nervous system:

Grounding Exercises

Grounding brings you back to the present moment.

• 5-4-3-2-1 Technique:
  • Name 5 things you see.
  • Name 4 things you can touch.
  • Name 3 things you hear.
  • Name 2 things you can smell.
  • Name 1 thing you can taste.

Deep Breathing

Calm your body with controlled breathing.

• Box Breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts.

Journaling

Write down what you’re feeling and why.

• Ask yourself: “What is my mind telling me, and is it true?”

Movement

Release tension through physical activity.

• Try a short walk, gentle yoga, or stretching.

Self-Soothing

Offer yourself comfort.

• Wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a comforting object, or repeat a calming phrase like, “I am safe.”

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What Gabor Maté Recommends for Healing

Dr. Gabor Maté, a trauma and attachment expert, emphasizes that true healing requires addressing the root causes of anxious attachment.

Here's what he recommends for healing:

Cultivate Self-Compassion

Maté teaches that healing starts with kindness toward yourself.

• Stop blaming yourself for your attachment wounds—they are not your fault.
• Practice self-talk that acknowledges your pain without judgment.

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Seek Safe Connections

Healing happens in relationships where you feel safe and supported.

• Look for people who respect your boundaries and show consistency.
• Engage in co-regulation—calming through another’s presence.

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Address Past Trauma

Unresolved trauma keeps the nervous system dysregulated.

• Work with a trauma-informed therapist to process painful memories.
• Explore body-based therapies like somatic experiencing to release stored stress.

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Reconnect with Your Body

Maté emphasizes the importance of tuning into your physical sensations.

• Practice mindfulness to notice how your body reacts to stress.
• Use breathing exercises and movement to reconnect with your sense of safety.

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Focus on Boundaries

Setting clear, healthy boundaries teaches your nervous system that relationships can be safe.

• Start small by saying “no” when something feels overwhelming.
• Remember: boundaries protect your peace, not push others away.

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How the Attached App Can Help

The Attached app makes fixing your anxious attachment easier by being the No.1 attachment-powered all-in-one app:

• Daily Quests: Unlock daily quests designed to help anxious attachment and level up
• Help Mode: Access psychology-backed tools for self-soothing when you feel triggered.
• Intelligent AI Journal: Unlock your hidden patterns and get personalized suggestions as you journal
• Weekly Insights: Eden - your relationship coach intelligently analyzes your journals and voice sessions to help break down patterns and insights

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Recognizing when your anxious attachment is triggered and taking steps to calm your nervous system are acts of self-love. As Dr. Maté reminds us, healing isn’t about fixing yourself—it’s about creating a new relationship with your past, your emotions, and your connections.